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Watching My Son's Ballgame En Femme (page 2 of 2)

transgender girl selfie at the ball parkThough were were at a morning game, this particular field had lights, and so I primarily used one of the big light posts along the fence line keeping it between me and my son.  For example, when my son's team was at bat, I would find him in the dugout and then stand at such an angle so I could still see the field but the light post would be in between me and my son's line of vision.  When his team was on defense, he was on the bench the first inning and then came in and pitched the rest of the game from the second inning on.  With him so focused on his job as the pitcher, it enabled me to maintain my position quite easily down the right field line as he was primarily focused on the area behind the plate.

During the game I would wander here and there and try and position myself for selfies, and I did take a few but the sun was so bright, I'm squinting in most of them and the lighting is all uneven.  I also found a small window to make a fun video of me at the ball park with the game going on behind me, but my camera was still in selfie mode, and so there I stood in front of my smart phone on a small tripod talking away while the phone was filming the opposite direction darn it.  Luckily, I created a small video near the parking lot prior to the game that I'll post below.

transgender girl taking an upwards selfie from her navel areaWith about 20 minutes left in the game, it was time for me to de-girl. My son's team was playing a double header back to back, but they do have a short break in between games, and that's the time when we get him rehydrated, buy him something from the snack stand, and then talk about the game in general. I of course needed to be in guy mode for that, and so I scurried to my car when my son wasn't pitching and quickly got back into guy mode. Luckily it was so bright outside that I had sunglasses to cover my eyes in case there were any traces of makeup, and I was also able to wear a hat to cover up my messy hair.

My son's team lost the game by a lot to a little, but he did a great job pitching allowing only one run that wasn't even earned over the last four innings of the game. I of course had watched the game and was able to talk to him about all of the plays, but he did interrupt me and say, "Where were you watching the game at?" I've done this before and he's never noticed, but as I mentioned earlier on, the teenage boys do notice, and so I told him that I watched on the opposite side of the field in the shade of a light post. I of course didn't tell him that I was dressed in a tight top over a bra and women's short-shorts. : )

transgender girl at the snack shackThere was just no way that I would be able to retransform for the second game, and so that ended my morning watching my son's baseball game en femme. There were two episodes that occurred that are worth mentioning. One of them was that a coach of a team that was playing us next walked past me and actually said hello in one of those ways that he noticed me. Luckily I had the voice to say hello back, but I've been to plenty of these transgender girl shadowtournaments, and you don't talk to strangers like that unless you want them to notice you. The coach had no chance with me of course, but it did feel good.

The second episode was something that just melted me inside for good and bad. A lot of times younger siblings are forced to come to these games, and there was a girl whose brother was playing for the opposite team, and so she was on my side. Well, she was bored from the start, so she spent a lot of the time playing with her younger brother, and they would practice doing cart wheels and handstands and other gymnastic/dance moves there on the grass where I was standing. This girl was probably 13 years old, and she had long hair that she would bind up in her hands into a pony tail every time she'd attempt a maneuver only to have it come splashing back down over her face and shoulders as she did her cartwheel.  She was dressed in a tank top over a sports bra with short shorts just like mine, and unlike me, she had no fat on her body. Just the way she moved and the way she stood and posed before each maneuver was so girl with those long arms and long legs.

It's really hard to describe in words, and I would have loved to have captured a picture or video of the scene, but respecting her privacy was a higher priority.  Still, I couldn't help noticing her and just aching inside that I wasn't able to do those same things growing up.  I ached because I can't dress like her all the time and grow my hair out like her.  I ached inside just thinking about her future and her potential as a girl and all the things she would be able to experience that I can't.  Sometimes it just hurts so badly not being a genetic girl, and so that's why I suppose I do the things that I do like taking risks at a ball park when my son is right there along with other parents that I know.  I just want so badly to be a girl, and it's scenes like the one I watched there at the ballpark that remind me every day that I can never fully be what I want to be no matter how hard I try. Oh well. There's always tomorrow, and I'll just have to plan something else fun to do as a girl to help ease the hurt.  In the meantime, here's a short video I created near the parking lot prior to the game.


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7/18 Summer Separates

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